Today is my 25th Birthday.
Damn. It’s crazy how quickly time flies. The concept of time completely changes as soon as the structure provided by grade school is no longer there. Once the ball is in your court, the clock starts ticking. Moments that you thought took place a year ago were actually 5. Younger siblings grow with or without you looking. Without noticing it, you grow. You change.
In my mind, I’m not too far removed from the kid that I used to be. The kid that shut out the world’s ills with a thick book or by blasting music. The kid who was satisfied with himself no matter the situation. My…how things have changed.
It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with myself these days. I’m unsure of myself. I’m at the crossroads right now. Decisions I’m on the verge of making could change the course of my life dramatically. I guess its the vanity in me to think that no one at any point of their life had to make decisions. As much as I may forget, I am not alone. Fear of failing is strong as a mug though.
Cause I wanna be free, completely free
Lord won’t you please come and save me
I wanna be free, totally free
I’m not gon’ let this world worry me
Goodie Mob [Free]
But fuck that. If no one else, who can I rely on to get things done right? Myself. Growing have doesn’t mean changing who you are as a person; it can make you better without having to sacrifice what makes you you.
I used to have the prevailing thought that I might not have been able envision myself making it to this age. After thinking about it, I realize that I just didn’t see what I was supposed to be doing at that time. It’s my destiny. My decisions shape it and it is mine to make. I have to believe that anything I’m doing with my heart in and good intentions, God will bless as long as I have faith in Him as well as myself.
Hey, Lord I know I’m not here to stay
But thanks for wakin’ me up today
Prepare me for what may come my way
Say, young man, there’s no need to cry
Because I know you will get by
Look your destiny in the eye
Everyday my heart burns to try
You got to walk before you learn to fly
And we all got to earn to die
Cee-Lo [Gettin’ Grown]
I can’t act as if I don’t make mistakes. There were times where I was participating in wildness. I was fortunate enough that I got out of it however it may have been. People have had my back through thick and thin. While I may inquire about and respect their opinions, decisions I make are my own. [Being objective, at times I’ve had difficulties assessing what decision someone else should make without knowing all of the factors, brevity of the differing potential decisions, having some sort of personal bias, etc.] Its up to me to weigh the various factors that ultimately will dictate my future.
The ability to get back up and on the right track is key. It won’t be a cakewalk to get where I want to be. The only thing I do to avoid feeling like I’m in over my head is to take it step by step. Like fighting inertia on the hamster wheel, my decision to stop merely “running the race” was the first step to pursuing something more.
All I can ensure is that if I want to achieve something, I’m going to go for it. I know myself better than anyone in the world. Confidence in one’s abilities is a gift that comes from being able to see your potential work toward it. I have to realize that, even through missteps, I’ve kept trucking. Why would that stop now? Through the highs and lows of the life I’ve lived, I ironed out the life I want to live.
Resolved. I shouldn’t doubt myself because through all of the static and interference, I know what I can do and will base my decisions upon such information.
I may just be figuratively rambling at myself in the mirror though.
I got this here.
Big K.R.I.T. [I Got This]